why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
