don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
