I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
