I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
