True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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