On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
