dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Drake has all the answers
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
