Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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