everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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