I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
