New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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