Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i drank out of a bidet.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
