im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
