I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
