i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
