I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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