i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize