just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
