SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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