Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
