Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
