when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize