My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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