On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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