listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i came on her dog
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
