I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
