I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
