I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
