Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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