Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
