'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
