What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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