My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
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