We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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