Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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