He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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