you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize