How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
