someone threw a dead crab at me
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
