I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
i think i just lost a toe
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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