Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
