Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
