these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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