I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
