I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
