Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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