You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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