Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
