Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
