i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
