so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
