When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
