Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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