Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
