I wish my penis had an off switch
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Randomize
